Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Chico Escuela Launches Come Back Bid With Texas Rangers

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Former Chicago Cubs superstar Chico Escuela has signed a minor-league contract with the Texas Rangers after taking 2006 off to cleanse his body of steroids and work as a guest commentator on Saturday Night Live.

"Texas Rangers been berra, berra good to me," wheezed Chico in broken english.

"Chico can't wait to get to training spring, make team," Chico added.

"Anybody got some Stanozolol? Seriously, I feel like I'm 500 hundred years old. My everything hurts," Esquela blurted out in perfect english.

"I mean, Mark Teixiera vera, vera good player. Chico like play with Mark."

Monday, January 29, 2007

30 Teams in (approximately) 30 Days: Baseball Team? Newborn Nursery? What's the Difference in Florida?

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Meet the 3/5ths of the Florida Marlins starting rotation

The Marlins were a fran-friggin-tastic story last season. Ownership, sick of hemorraghing money, dumps pretty much every starting player. Casting rejects from Major League III: Back to the Minors populate roster. Ownership hires brilliant "young" manager in Joe Girardi. Miracle of miracles, team starts to win. Team nearly captures wild card (although, in all fairness, even the Steelers were in the NL Wild Card race, and they play in a different league). Manager and dumbass owner clash. Dumbass owner fires brilliant manager. Dumbass owner hires Fredi "Speedy" Gonzalez, prays that lightning can and will strike twice, Dontrelle Willis stays healthy, Dan Uggla doesn't turn back to Pumpkin form, Israelis and Palestinians live happily ever after, and that their wishes will turn erstwhile mascot Billy the Marlin into a real boy. Dumbass owner damn well better be prepared to be disappointed.

Additions and Subtractions
Are you kidding? The Marlins don't spend money, baby! Their ownership just pockets it! Blah blah blah, we need a new stadium, blah blah blah, welfare mother, blah blah blah we suck hard. Joe Borowski is gone, and the only free agent acquisition of note is that of Aaron Boone, who hasn't been the same since he ripped his knee a new one in a pick-up basketball game a few years back.

What's the Story with...
Jeremy Hermida. Hyped as the second coming of The Jesus, Hermida got hurt, stunk, and stunk some more. Still penciled in as the starting right fielder, as there are roughly ABSOLUTELY NO POSITION PROSPECTS behind him in the Marlins system, but they could use one of their many pitching prospects to fetch a respectable corner outfielder.

Non-Roster Invitees
Plentiful. By plentiful, I mean there are TWENTY NINE. Including five catchers. My favorite is the immortal Alex "Filthy" Sanchez, MLB's first steroid testing victim. Viva le Stanozolol!

Final Words
Dontrelle Willis is probably my favorite pitcher to watch in Major League Beisbol, and their young rotation is promising, but the Fish have few bats outside of Miguel Cabrera, and the entire front office and management situation is an unmitigated disaster. Last place, except that there's one team that's far, FAR worse in the NL East.

Tomorrow, meet the worst team in Major League Beisbol

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sea Captains pay $8mil for Psychopath to have On-Mound Meltdown

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So, it's come to this. The Sea Captains of Raintown are paying Jeffrey Weaver roughly One Million dollars per victory.

Weaver, pictured above, developed an addiction to eating leather that sidetracked his career after leaving leather-mecca New York City.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

30 Teams in 30 Days: Bobby Cox's Senility Reaches Dizzying New Heights

(pictured at right, Bobby Cox ponders another late-inning pitching change)

I remember when the Atlanta Braves won 14 divisonal titles in a row. It seemed like it was just a couple of years ago. Probably because it was. People like me would be handed a blank sheet for their pre-season predictions. Blank, except for NL East, which had Atlanta Braves pre-printed at the top. Last year, the Braves made liars out of the printers, and finished in third. Which they very well might do again. Is it painfully obvious to everyone but me that most top of the rotation starters are inching towards ancient. John Smoltz will be numero uno yet again. I remember his face on Topps trading cards from when Topps trading cards were 31 flavors of hideous and ugly. The Braves nation will pray that Tim Hudson somehow remembers what made him so successful before he became a Brave. Mike Hampton will return to Spring Training this year, followed by many young pitchers that Bobby Cox hopes Leo Mazzone will spin their straw arms into gold. Bobby Cox will then realize that Leo Mazzone left the club before last season. Cox will continue to refer to second-year pitching coach Roger McDowell as Leo anyway. After the season, Cox will take the cyanide capsule he was issued in 1990, and the Braves can make their final move into mid-1980's style suckitude.

Addition and Subtraction
John Schuerholz spent the entire off-season trying to trade Adam LaRoche like he had some kind of cancer (with apologies to Jon Lester... Live strong!), only to realize that once he did, his starting first baseman will be Scott Thorman. That's right, a Canadian first baseman. It's aboot the craziest thing I ever heard. Oh, they signed Craig Wilson? But they haven't decided if Wilson will be a 1B or an OF? Then that changes nothing. Former Pittsburgh closer Mike Gonzalez was the key acquisition in the LaRoche deal. Gonzalez never really had to close in Pittsburgh, so we'll see how he performs when some important games are actually on the line. Schuerholz also spent the entire month of November trying to trade Marcus Giles, but the rest of the league laughed heartily at him, and Giles was non-tendered.

What's the Story with...
Bob Wickman. Atlanta's favorite blimp impersonator closed effectively, but appears to have been replaced by the acquisition of Mike Gonzalez. Or will Gonzalez set up first, acting as a "closer in waiting". And can Bobby Cox remember who is who, even though one looks like David Wells little brother, the other is slim and latino.

Non-Roster Invitees
The Braves welcome Wee Willie Harris to camp, who has proven unequivocally in stints with the Orioles, White Sox and Red Sex that he's a great base stealer. Trouble is he can't get on base to start with in order to steal said bases.

Final Words
Bobby Cox hangs it up after this season, with Schuerholz not far behind, and the Braves will be damned to letting the baseball world think that they are dead, until they can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within them. Or at least find some guys who can hit without striking out 300 times per season. (Jeff Francouer, I'm looking in your direction)

Tomorrow, who's up for a fish fry in Florida?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

30 Teams in 30 Days: Philly Phanatic Sought For Questioning

(At this point the writer was clocked over the head by an over-zealous, drunken Philly Phanatic who opted to write this passage for the sake of non-Philadelphians to understand their impending glory. Content has been edited for spelling, grammar, punctuation, profanity, references to bestiality, and non-sequitors on hatred of Terrell Owens and New Jersey)
Okay, listen up now. The Phillies are going to win the NL East this year. Djuknow why? RYAN HOWARD IS GOING TO HIT 60 (sex act)ING HOME RUNS. THAT'S WHY. Our infield is the best in da National League. Chase Utley? A (sex act)ING GOD! Jimmy Rollins? I don't care if he has those (preferring of the same sex) Corn Rows, or Corn Pops, or whatevers he calls 'em. BEST SHORTSTOP. Cole Hamels in your rotation? Cole Hamels sneezes, batters swing three times, and that's another strike out. He should get credit for two strike outs since he can do it without EVEN THROWING A (front to back sexual contact) PITCH! THAT'S WHY THE PHILLIES ARE GOING TO WIN THE DIVISION, AND WHY (#81) IS A (individual who prefers the private company of farm animals with a large snout and are usually processed into Bacon).

Addition and Subtraction
Pat Gillick was a busy man this winter. Frederick An. Garcia is now their probable opening day starter, and all it cost them was Gavin Floyd, who seems to have acquired amnesia and has forgotten how to pitch. We wish him well. Adam Eaton is also now in the rotation mix, but may not fare so well in another pitcher unfriendly park. Rod Barajas agreed to a deal Toronto Blue Jays, angered the entire nation of Canada, reneged on the deal and inked with the Phillies. Curiously, new Canadian currency that was supposed to feature the erstwhile catcher on the back now simply says DIE ROD DIE. Which, as we all know, means "The Rod The". Gillick realized that Jeff Conine has reached the sub-useless point of his career, flipped him to Cincy for a pack of smokes, and signed Jayson Werth as a werth-while fourth outfielder.

What's The Story With...
Jon Lieber. The Phils' opening day starter for the last two years, it looks like he's the odd man out in the rotation. He's still on the roster heading toward spring training, but don't be surprised if Gillick trades him for two guys named Cheech, a keg of Yuengling, and an intern to be named later.

Non-Roster Invitees
The Phils have invited many players I've never heard of to Spring Training, which means they may well be young players deserving of a longer look, and not washed up bums like the right of Spring that inviting non-roster players is for many teams. The only name that pops out is Kyle Drabek, who I can only assume is a grifter masquerading as Doug Drabek's son and will attempt to hock Chase Utley's stolen glove at the King of Prussia mall, or perhaps on QVC. Those grifters are a cunning bunch. Oh, and Washed Up Tampa Bay Prospect (TM) Brent Abernathy will be in the last round of cuts before opening day.

(Washed Up Tampa Bay Prospect is a registered trademark of Major League Baseball. All rights reserved. Used by permission)

Last Words
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the Phillies are actually going to win this division. Shoot me now.

Tomorrow, Bobby Cox is interviewed on the prospects of the 2007 Atlanta Braves, calls me Joe Torre, and answers a bottle of water as if it were a telephone.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

30 Teams in 30 Days: The Nigh Mets Get Even Older

Today, I start my 30 teams in 30 days mission. I'll mercilessly and ruthlessly whip around the Major Leagues of Beisbol, wherein we will discover which teams might actually have a prayer of unseating the (snicker, snicker) Cardinals come late October/early November 2007. And awayyyyy we go!

Tom Glavine and Orlando Hernandez enjoy a quiet moment before spring training

That Ancient Team from Flushing, The Baseballers Called "
The Mets"


The NY (That's pronounced nigh, as in the end is nigh) are the defending NL East Champs. They can hit, but that whole "pitching" thing seems to be an "issue" for them. Pedro Martinez is out until the middle of the summer. Or August. Or maybe he'll be back sooner if he can adopt a new little person to carry around in the clubhouse. Maybe he'll be ready to return when the moon is in the seventh house. In any case, their number one and two starters have a combined opening day age of 137. Tom Glavine anchors, followed closely by Orlando "I Don't Need No Steenkin' Birth Certificate 'Cos I'm from Cooba" Hernandez. If one or both fall off, which given their 19th century births seems likely, even the Nationals are going to tee off on them. Oh, who am I kidding, the Nationals will be lucky to win 30 games.

Addition and Subtraction
Omar Minaya made a number of deals last summer to bolster their Jurassic Rotation. Then they traded young and hot Brian Bannister for old and busted Ambiorix Burgos in December. You know you're in trouble when you're making stupid deals with the KANSAS CITY ROYALS. That's like being beat up by the kid that sits in the corner playing with balloons and humming "Jesus Loves Me". Burgos got torched last year pitching every other day out of the KC bullpen. Then Minaya added another reliever with the "do not open near flammable objects or pitching mounds" label in Jorge Sosa. To cap it all off, the Flushing Toilets of Flushing added David Newhan as outfield depth. Newhan will hit for two weeks, break his everything, miss three months, and then whine that he isn't getting any playing time when he returns for the stretch run. Good luck with that, Nigh Mets.

What's The Story With...
Lastings Milledge? The guy has the best arm this side of Peyton Manning (that twat), has been on base close to 40% of the time in the minors, can run, and they're going to cock-block him with David Newhan? He must have urinated on Willie Randolph's Bentley or something.

Non-Roster Invitees
Not too many. Mike DeFelice is in camp as a 7th catcher, behind Ramon Castro, Mike Piazza's 3rd cousin twice removed Luigi Del Piazza, the re-animated corpse of Alexander Graham Bell, a baseball playing chimp, and Chico Esquela.

Last Words
We can hit the crap out of the ball, but our one and two starters went to high school with Jesus. It could turn out to be a problem.
Tomorrow's preview: HappyFunMiles is viciously mugged by the Philly Phanatic and lives to tell the tale.

What's Japanese for "It's Frickin' Freezin' in Toronto, You Arsehole"?


Tomo Ohka has a preliminary deal in place to be the fourth injury-plagued member of the Blue Jays All-Disabled List rotation.

The good news for Jays fans? There's now no way in hell that they'll be stuck with Josh Towers in their rotation this season.

The bad news is... they've got Tomo "Ow, my hangnail" Ohka.

Didn't he have an incident a not too terribly long ago where he cheesed off Frank Robinson by refusing to hand the ball to his then-skipper?

I wonder how that will sit with John Gibbons, who had a similar incident with departed starter Ted Lilly and demanded a duel involving canadian bacon at high noon in the Rogers Centre.

Let's go to the video tape!

I 've said it before and I'll say it again. You Tube is brilliant.

So, if Tomo Ohka threatens John Gibbons' manlihood and Gibbons winds up wiping the smarmy look off Ohka's face, does it create an international incident that results in Japan wiping all those hockey-lovers off the face of the earth? If nothing else, it would make the AL East a bit more interesting this year.

Oh, and the A's traded a washed-up reliever to the Reds for a talented 24 year old minor league pitcher. BRILLIANT MOVE, REDS!