Wednesday, January 24, 2007

30 Teams in 30 Days: Philly Phanatic Sought For Questioning

(At this point the writer was clocked over the head by an over-zealous, drunken Philly Phanatic who opted to write this passage for the sake of non-Philadelphians to understand their impending glory. Content has been edited for spelling, grammar, punctuation, profanity, references to bestiality, and non-sequitors on hatred of Terrell Owens and New Jersey)
Okay, listen up now. The Phillies are going to win the NL East this year. Djuknow why? RYAN HOWARD IS GOING TO HIT 60 (sex act)ING HOME RUNS. THAT'S WHY. Our infield is the best in da National League. Chase Utley? A (sex act)ING GOD! Jimmy Rollins? I don't care if he has those (preferring of the same sex) Corn Rows, or Corn Pops, or whatevers he calls 'em. BEST SHORTSTOP. Cole Hamels in your rotation? Cole Hamels sneezes, batters swing three times, and that's another strike out. He should get credit for two strike outs since he can do it without EVEN THROWING A (front to back sexual contact) PITCH! THAT'S WHY THE PHILLIES ARE GOING TO WIN THE DIVISION, AND WHY (#81) IS A (individual who prefers the private company of farm animals with a large snout and are usually processed into Bacon).

Addition and Subtraction
Pat Gillick was a busy man this winter. Frederick An. Garcia is now their probable opening day starter, and all it cost them was Gavin Floyd, who seems to have acquired amnesia and has forgotten how to pitch. We wish him well. Adam Eaton is also now in the rotation mix, but may not fare so well in another pitcher unfriendly park. Rod Barajas agreed to a deal Toronto Blue Jays, angered the entire nation of Canada, reneged on the deal and inked with the Phillies. Curiously, new Canadian currency that was supposed to feature the erstwhile catcher on the back now simply says DIE ROD DIE. Which, as we all know, means "The Rod The". Gillick realized that Jeff Conine has reached the sub-useless point of his career, flipped him to Cincy for a pack of smokes, and signed Jayson Werth as a werth-while fourth outfielder.

What's The Story With...
Jon Lieber. The Phils' opening day starter for the last two years, it looks like he's the odd man out in the rotation. He's still on the roster heading toward spring training, but don't be surprised if Gillick trades him for two guys named Cheech, a keg of Yuengling, and an intern to be named later.

Non-Roster Invitees
The Phils have invited many players I've never heard of to Spring Training, which means they may well be young players deserving of a longer look, and not washed up bums like the right of Spring that inviting non-roster players is for many teams. The only name that pops out is Kyle Drabek, who I can only assume is a grifter masquerading as Doug Drabek's son and will attempt to hock Chase Utley's stolen glove at the King of Prussia mall, or perhaps on QVC. Those grifters are a cunning bunch. Oh, and Washed Up Tampa Bay Prospect (TM) Brent Abernathy will be in the last round of cuts before opening day.

(Washed Up Tampa Bay Prospect is a registered trademark of Major League Baseball. All rights reserved. Used by permission)

Last Words
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the Phillies are actually going to win this division. Shoot me now.

Tomorrow, Bobby Cox is interviewed on the prospects of the 2007 Atlanta Braves, calls me Joe Torre, and answers a bottle of water as if it were a telephone.

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