Tuesday, January 23, 2007

30 Teams in 30 Days: The Nigh Mets Get Even Older

Today, I start my 30 teams in 30 days mission. I'll mercilessly and ruthlessly whip around the Major Leagues of Beisbol, wherein we will discover which teams might actually have a prayer of unseating the (snicker, snicker) Cardinals come late October/early November 2007. And awayyyyy we go!

Tom Glavine and Orlando Hernandez enjoy a quiet moment before spring training

That Ancient Team from Flushing, The Baseballers Called "
The Mets"


The NY (That's pronounced nigh, as in the end is nigh) are the defending NL East Champs. They can hit, but that whole "pitching" thing seems to be an "issue" for them. Pedro Martinez is out until the middle of the summer. Or August. Or maybe he'll be back sooner if he can adopt a new little person to carry around in the clubhouse. Maybe he'll be ready to return when the moon is in the seventh house. In any case, their number one and two starters have a combined opening day age of 137. Tom Glavine anchors, followed closely by Orlando "I Don't Need No Steenkin' Birth Certificate 'Cos I'm from Cooba" Hernandez. If one or both fall off, which given their 19th century births seems likely, even the Nationals are going to tee off on them. Oh, who am I kidding, the Nationals will be lucky to win 30 games.

Addition and Subtraction
Omar Minaya made a number of deals last summer to bolster their Jurassic Rotation. Then they traded young and hot Brian Bannister for old and busted Ambiorix Burgos in December. You know you're in trouble when you're making stupid deals with the KANSAS CITY ROYALS. That's like being beat up by the kid that sits in the corner playing with balloons and humming "Jesus Loves Me". Burgos got torched last year pitching every other day out of the KC bullpen. Then Minaya added another reliever with the "do not open near flammable objects or pitching mounds" label in Jorge Sosa. To cap it all off, the Flushing Toilets of Flushing added David Newhan as outfield depth. Newhan will hit for two weeks, break his everything, miss three months, and then whine that he isn't getting any playing time when he returns for the stretch run. Good luck with that, Nigh Mets.

What's The Story With...
Lastings Milledge? The guy has the best arm this side of Peyton Manning (that twat), has been on base close to 40% of the time in the minors, can run, and they're going to cock-block him with David Newhan? He must have urinated on Willie Randolph's Bentley or something.

Non-Roster Invitees
Not too many. Mike DeFelice is in camp as a 7th catcher, behind Ramon Castro, Mike Piazza's 3rd cousin twice removed Luigi Del Piazza, the re-animated corpse of Alexander Graham Bell, a baseball playing chimp, and Chico Esquela.

Last Words
We can hit the crap out of the ball, but our one and two starters went to high school with Jesus. It could turn out to be a problem.
Tomorrow's preview: HappyFunMiles is viciously mugged by the Philly Phanatic and lives to tell the tale.

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