Monday, January 29, 2007

30 Teams in (approximately) 30 Days: Baseball Team? Newborn Nursery? What's the Difference in Florida?

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Meet the 3/5ths of the Florida Marlins starting rotation

The Marlins were a fran-friggin-tastic story last season. Ownership, sick of hemorraghing money, dumps pretty much every starting player. Casting rejects from Major League III: Back to the Minors populate roster. Ownership hires brilliant "young" manager in Joe Girardi. Miracle of miracles, team starts to win. Team nearly captures wild card (although, in all fairness, even the Steelers were in the NL Wild Card race, and they play in a different league). Manager and dumbass owner clash. Dumbass owner fires brilliant manager. Dumbass owner hires Fredi "Speedy" Gonzalez, prays that lightning can and will strike twice, Dontrelle Willis stays healthy, Dan Uggla doesn't turn back to Pumpkin form, Israelis and Palestinians live happily ever after, and that their wishes will turn erstwhile mascot Billy the Marlin into a real boy. Dumbass owner damn well better be prepared to be disappointed.

Additions and Subtractions
Are you kidding? The Marlins don't spend money, baby! Their ownership just pockets it! Blah blah blah, we need a new stadium, blah blah blah, welfare mother, blah blah blah we suck hard. Joe Borowski is gone, and the only free agent acquisition of note is that of Aaron Boone, who hasn't been the same since he ripped his knee a new one in a pick-up basketball game a few years back.

What's the Story with...
Jeremy Hermida. Hyped as the second coming of The Jesus, Hermida got hurt, stunk, and stunk some more. Still penciled in as the starting right fielder, as there are roughly ABSOLUTELY NO POSITION PROSPECTS behind him in the Marlins system, but they could use one of their many pitching prospects to fetch a respectable corner outfielder.

Non-Roster Invitees
Plentiful. By plentiful, I mean there are TWENTY NINE. Including five catchers. My favorite is the immortal Alex "Filthy" Sanchez, MLB's first steroid testing victim. Viva le Stanozolol!

Final Words
Dontrelle Willis is probably my favorite pitcher to watch in Major League Beisbol, and their young rotation is promising, but the Fish have few bats outside of Miguel Cabrera, and the entire front office and management situation is an unmitigated disaster. Last place, except that there's one team that's far, FAR worse in the NL East.

Tomorrow, meet the worst team in Major League Beisbol

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